3 Match Ban For Bird That Shit In Ashley Young’s Mouth

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THE FA and the Premier League have come together in a rare act of solidarity and unity to reveal they have banned Fergal the Seagull from all football activities following his decision to shit in the mouth of Manchester United player, Ashley Young.

Representative for Fergal the Seagull have said they will be appealing the ban and have no hesitation in going all the way to the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS).

Citing the well documented difficulty all birds have with differentiating between a typical human head and a toilet, many experts in CAS appeals believe the ban will be reduced. ‘Toilet blindness as it is more commonly referred to has yet been recognised by any medical experts as an actual condition.

Sport fans have been quick to praise Fergal the Seagull’s contribution to hilarious moments in the game by starting a defence fund with as yet has come nowhere close to eclipsing the money Manchester United spent on human toilet lookalike Ashley Young.

Reports stating Fergal the Seagull is in fact a Liverpool fan have been dismissed with his representatives going as far to admit he simply isn’t an Ashley Young fan.

Young is said to have made a quick recovery following several ‘spuhhh, puhph, pfft’ noises made directly after the incident. All traces of bird excrement were later removed from his mouth using an experimental technique involving the furious splashing of water on the mouth area.

The FA and Premier League’s decision to hand out a 3 game ban is in stark contrast to their decision to grant clearance for Alan Hutton to play for Aston Villa this past weekend despite there being little evidence of footballing ability.

Conspiracy theorist have even suggested that Ashley Young was not even the victim of a fly-by-shitting, rather that he mouth produced fresh spittle in tandem with passing bird shit while bizarrely others maintain there was a second shitter on the grassy knoll.

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