Knock Pumps Up Security Ahead Of ‘Rowdy’ Pilgrimage


THE annual pilgrimage to the town of Knock, in Mayo will see as many as 150,000 people descend on holy site where witnesses are said to have seen the most holy apparitions of Mary and Saint Joseph upon visiting Knock.

Organisers are welcoming the 150,000 visitors with open arms for the 9-day pilgrimage but have also informed attendees of new, stricter security.

“They have an awful tendency to get very competitive about seeing the apparitions,” explained one of the organisers Carmel Doyle, “one minute someone is pointing at Mary in the sky, then the next some rowdy fucker is claiming to see Jesus on top of a unicorn having a sword fight with Napolean”.

Security measures will be those who attend checked for knives, and other weapons, as well as non-regulation candles. This is mainly in a response to last year’s incident which saw a member of the public smuggle in a cross up his arse for all attending priests to sign.

“This year’s event had only been underway an hour when fourteen people were arrested on site for disorderly conduct, the Gardaí told me they have more men down here than they ever need for Oxygen, Slane or Electric Picnic,” added Miss Doyle.

Miss Doyle refused to comment on rumours that Cardinal Brady would be allowed to give a ‘testimonial mass’ in an effort to give him one last chance to ‘rock the Knock’.

Organisers of this year’s pilgrimage have clashed with the local council over an order that would see the demolition of the apparition such is level of disruption caused to the lives of local while the pilgrimage takes place.

“I had my house ransacked by these Knock die-hards who had run out of holy water one year, cleaned my house out of five litres of the stuff,” explained one upset resident Noleen Andrews.

It is rumoured local firm Dolan Demolitions have secured the contract for the removal of the apparition from the site in Knock. When the company’s owner, Derek Dolan, was interviewed by WWN he seemed fully aware as to the sensitive nature of such a job.

“It will probably be the most difficult demolition we’ve undertaken in our 30 years in the business. There are a few factors to consider like for one; some of the lads I have working here for me just don’t believe in God so how they’re going to see the thing is beyond me”.

Despite his concerns Mr. Dolan remained hopeful he and his employees would be up to the job. “After talking to a number of apparition witnesses we’re fairly certain of its dimensions. Now Joe they weren’t happy at what we’re doing, but they were helpful nonetheless.

“All that’s left for it is a bit of waiting until it appears again and we’ll have our wrecking balls at the ready. I have the Agnostic lads off at other sites just so I can keep a concentration of the Catholic workers here”.