Hungover Waterford Man Convinced He Has The Ebola Virus
WATERFORD MAN Denis Regan has declared a self-imposed quarantine around his bedroom in Tramore, Wexford as fears that he may have been infected with the Ebola virus intensify.
Denis spent much of the last night enjoying a number of pints, believed to be nine or ten, in several local pubs before hitting a takeaway at 4am. He woke this morning complaining of an intense headache and an ‘upset tummy’ leading Denis to believe he had contracted the deadly Ebola virus.
The 29-year-old carpenter texted several friends explaining his fears only to be accused off making an off colour, non-PC joke at the expense of Ebola sufferers around the world.
“I’m not boi,” explained Denis to WWN, “looked up the symptoms and everything. I have the diarrhea, the nausea and vomiting. Not bleeding from me eyes but you know, they are very blood shot, too bloodshot one might say”.
Denis made sure to cordon off his bedroom this morning insisting his wife and three children ‘save themselves’ by leaving the house immediately for the rest of the day, being careful not to slam any doors or cupboards as they left.
Utilising the internet, Denis confirmed to himself that he had Ebola, despite medical practitioners’ attempt at pushing the government to make it illegal to ‘diagnose by Google’.
“I’m not sure I’ll make it through the day,” shared Denis, who had by now moved the quarantine area to the couch in front of the TV and Playstation 3.
“I had so much I wanted to do,” Denis said, crying into a tub of Ben & Jerry Cookie Dough, “I was going to try Nandos next time I was up in Dublin. So many regrets, so little living left to do,” Denis now shouted through his tears as all symptoms seemed to fade from existence.