Catholic Church Welcomes MP Paedophile Scandal



The Catholic Church has warmly welcomed news that a number of MPs in Britain were believed to be part of an elaborate and unconscionable paedophile ring during the 70s and beyond.

“We waited, waited and waited for a big scandal to come along that would take the heat off us and you know what, we lost hope. We really didn’t think it would happen, even after all the praying,” spokesman for the Vatican Giancarlo Lamberto said.

“For a while there we thought we were the only institution that relied heavily on people staying silent thus robbing victims of justice. I suppose that’s why Churches are such quiet places. Fair play to the MPs though, got to hand it them, there wasn’t even a whiff of this scandal,” said Lamberto of the accusations that have been steadily made by a number of people, including former child protection manager Peter McKelvie, since the late 80s which were all then summarily dismissed by a number of authorities.

“You kind of bizarrely expect news like this these days, don’t you,” expressed one online commenter. Meanwhile, several thousand people in comment sections have pointed out MP probably stands for ‘massive paedos’, the signs were rarely seen by authorities whose job it was to see the signs.

“I’m not saying they’re worse, but, you know, they are worse, we’ve hit the jackpot,” Vatican spokesman Giancarlo Lamberto concluded in his daily address of the media.

The Catholic Church are rumoured to have offered their expertise to those affected if they should seek to limit their liability in any compensation deals going forward while the independent investigators looking into the scandal have not been in touch with successive Irish governments asking for advice on how to handle such matters.

Sadly, 24 priests employed as part of the Catholic Church Scandal Containment Unit have been let go as the heat has finally left the Church with focus now fully on the parliaments of one of the most powerful countries in the world.

The MP paedophile scandal is the latest in roughly 5.4 million scandals which have involved the most vulnerable and helpless in society being exploited by an elite who have relied on power and the complicit silence of others.