WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

All is fair in love and online role playing games so stop fucking shouting down the internet at WarlockDan35, your neighbours can hear you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Well, I told you it wasn’t a good idea to put that peep hole next to the shower, but here we are, in your sitting room, Granny giving out to you – going ape shit. Astrology is next to irrelevant to you now considering you’re going to be in prison for 5 years.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week, thanks to Sagittarius you will find yourself in a bizarre situation involving hot wax, the milkman and an overweight cat. But, don’t worry, thanks to the internet, you will be famous.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Since Uranus is in ascension, it’s time to shake things up, multiple choice time: A) You die B) You are maimed horribly C) You die, but in like a week D) You are interfered with by a rabid badger (not as fun as it sounds)

Leo July 23 – August 22

You should spend time with people who share similar interests. Libra will help you spread your creative wings and outright lie about understanding things like art, foreign and politics.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

I’m no statistics expert, but there’s probably a 1 in 12 chance I’ve been consistently wrong about your life since day one, sorry.

Libra September 23 – October 22

It takes a big man to admit he’s wrong, but the fact that Richie is pushing 20 stone has nothing to do with the level of his regret following his untimely crushing of your beloved cat Earl. Earl is in a better place now, he’s with baby Jesus.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

People don’t take your threats of physical violence seriously so this week you will come up with a cool nickname like Cobra or Rodeo Joe.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Yeah, dye your hair pink, that’ll be gas craic altogether. You’re mad, you are.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You will spend the week alphabetising your DVD collection and to think, you actually wonder why you have no friends…

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Try not to get too bogged down by financial matters as we know you have some serious debt and only got a C in pass maths.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

I know you are worried about your pregnancy, but honestly, Libra is looking out for you. It will prove challenging at times to raise to devil spawn of Satan, but what sweet reward motherhood is.