Kate Middleton To Announce New Haircut At Press Conference

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The tabloid media is at a virtual standstill as it prepares for Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton to reveal her latest haircut at a press conference later today.

While speculation has been rife for some time, it is now clear that the wife of the future King of England, Prince William will adjust her hair so that it looks somewhat different to how it has previously.

“This is huge news, we have had to wind down our coverage of the frivolous stuff like Syria, politics and Nigeria to make way for a Kate special,” shared Daily Mail editor Anne Trope, who have let down the public by only producing 2,000 individual stories on the world famous owner of a figure and hair.

Kate is thought to have called a press conference against her will in order to stop idle speculation on rumours of a fringe and/or bob becoming a common fixture on her face.

A mane long the envy of the world, Kate has had to be increasingly secretive about her hair care routine following several bizarre incidents. The strangest of which saw a Daily Mail journalist disguise himself as a hairbrush in the royal’s bed chambers, leading to the tabloid taking several strands of her hair for extensive DNA testing.

“We’re obviously in agreement that this is the biggest story in the world since she last did something significant in her role as a British royal, for example when she wore clothes,” explained Mirror report Shaun Gillen.

A quite understandable 2.8 million words have been used to discuss Kate Middleton in the media this past week,which is more than has ever been written on lesser subjects such as the second world war.

“If this press conference goes as I suspect it will, we could be seeing the fringe enter into a new golden age of haircuts,” expert hair engineer Tom Cullen shared.

Regardless of the structure of Kate’s hair as many as 3 in every 5 women in Britain and beyond will be forced to seek out a hairdresser and hand over a newspaper clipping of the new hairstyle as is ordered by royal charter.

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