Joan Burton’s Voice To Replace 70% Of Standard House Alarms By 2017



Labour TD and Minister, Joan Burton is to have her voice used by a number of security firms in an attempt to curb home break-ins which have recently plagued many parts of urban Ireland.

Mrs. Burton’s distinctive shrill is believed to be the most horrendous sound Ireland has to offer so it is no surprise that many security firms are vying for the right to use the Dublin West TD’s voice.

Eircom home security is said to be close to finalising their product and spoke enthusiastically to WWN about the opportunity Joan Burton’s voice presents.

“Obviously it is just unbearable isn’t it? We did some basic testing of the device with Joan’s monotonous haranguing and several of our workers quit stating they just couldn’t take it anymore, it’s very promising” said David Cousins, head of Eircom’s Phonewatch operations.

However, Mr. Cousins admitted that the research and development stage was not without its’ problems. “Well, yes it has to be said several dogs were killed when exposed to that excruciating sound, but all for the greater good” he gleefully quipped.

If preliminary research reports are to be believed almost three out of four Eircom alarms will carry Joan Burton’s voice by 2017 leading to a 80% reduction in household robbery.

The introduction of the Eamon Gilmore ‘fat-fucking-head’ replica guard dogs has been pushed back to 2021 as they have been deemed too terrifying by criminals during market research.