At a hastily assembled press conference yesterday in Hollywood leading figures from the movie and publishing worlds announced details of a new deal.
In response to extensive market research carried out on behalf of Hollywood’s elite producers it has been decided that from now on every novel currently being written will be turned into a movie. Starting from 2014 filming will begin on thousands of new films in a bid to satisfy a public who have little time or desire for reading ‘the whole bloody book’.
Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein spoke exclusively to WWN about the historic partnership between the movie and publishing industries. “I think it is widely acknowledged the general public much prefer watching giant explosions than reading about them,” offered the Oscar winner, “there is no doubt that the books will be the more edifying experience, but until publishers figure out a way to open a book and have explosions and sexy people pop out we will make a movie of every new work of fiction.”
Industry experts have praised the new deal, suggesting that the move was inevitable. “It seems like a logical step for both industries, it removes the social anxiety around books,” explained leading critic Lee Wipperman, “for the most part people pretend to read books; ‘allegory this’ and ‘narrative structure that’ forcing them into a web of lies. They feel pressure to use their brains to read and interpret literary works. People flock to movies so they don’t have to read and the public’s affection for books has been waning for some time, anyway many people may not realise but some of their favourite films were books first. Harry Potter, James Bond, Die Hard and Fast & Furious 6, the list really is endless”.
Publishing guru Stephen Abbott admitted he was in a sombre mood: “I’m quite sombre but I knew this day would come. Most people will have to look up the word sombre first before reading the rest of my quote, it’s a dark day. We’ve only ourselves to blame though trying to use words that extend beyond expletives and violent acts. We lost a lot of people with 50 Shades of Grey and not because people didn’t like it more so because people were outraged there were no pictures.”
Jeffrey Pennyworth, another publishing expert, admitted the game was up for books. “We tried for some time to turn some movies into books, but to my shock, I discovered they were originally books themselves”.
The research carried out by Hollywood in anticipation of the new deal showed that one in every one human being reacted violently it situations were they were asked to ‘picture it’ or use their imagination in any way.