Aries March 21 – April 19
One in the hand maybe worth more than two in the bush, but if you don’t find the rest of that stash you lost by Friday, you’ll get two behind the ear.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’re still young, but this week you eventually learn that wearing a Che Guevara T-Shirt does not make you interesting in any way, shape or form.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
It’s been six years Chris, I think it’s safe to say you won’t be getting back together. Return the binoculars and camouflage gear to the shop.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You cannot fathom the mysteries of a woman’s heart, so just make sure to season it well and cook thoroughly on all sides.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You’re going to get very jealous next week when the new guy starts and you are no longer the ‘funny guy’.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re not. Either way you can’t pull off that hat.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Others are quite receptive to your style and ideas this week, but not the stars. The stars think you’re a worthless piece of shit and don’t even deserve the present, not to mind say the future.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
There’s nothing stopping you from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond reasonable doubt that proper Garda vetting is essential in the pyrotechnics industry.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Travel will lead to interesting conversations and situations this week, giving you a far greater insight into the workings of Dublin’s airport security team and the art of ‘full body’ searching.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Your love life could use a boost this week, and Tescos special offer on tinned liver is just what it needs.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet this week, especially the single mothers on the jury.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will obsess with a text from a love interest. Hours will be spent deciphering its meaning before another text arrives explaining it wasn’t meant for you.