Irish Nurses Hope To Break Guinness World Record For Stomach Pumping This Arthur’s Day

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Nurses working in A&E at St Vincent’s hospital in Dublin are excited by the prospect of becoming world record breakers this Arthur’s Day.

The long standing day celebrating all things Guinness continues to enrapture vast swathes of the Irish public keen on acquiring debilitating early liver failure.

The nurses hope to break the current record for most stomach pumped over the course of 24 hours.

Aoife Cleary, a 30 year-old nurse rostered for this Thursday has expressed her glee about the possibility of becoming a record holder.

“We’re all fit to explode with the excitement, we reckon we’ll clear about 300 stomachs by 7pm and then things will get interesting. I think the record stands at 900 from Paddy’s day this year but we’ll smash that as people embrace getting smashed.”

While critics of the universally loved ‘music event’ have pointed to the strain emergency services are needlessly put under for what is a thinly veiled marketing exercise, nurses working at St. Vincent’s do not share that opinion.

“Dry shites, these politically correct bastards aren’t they?” offered Rachel Nugent, another nurse involved in the record attempt, “it’s only a bit of a laugh isn’t it? We’ll get a certificate and everything.

“People saying there’s an alcohol epidemic in the country. We’re pumping the stomachs of teachers, accountants, labourers etc they can hardly be alcohol dependent and carry on with their jobs. Tis only a homeless person’s problem!”

Diageo, the British based firm which own Guinness, have renewed their enthusiasm for the occasion marking Arthur Guinness’s leasing of the fabled St James’s Gate property in Dublin’s City Centre in light of the ridiculous money they make from the celebrations.

However, they have been quick to insist the day itself is purely promoted with a vast marketing budget to give musicians a leg up.

It has been reported in the media that Diageo’s European Corporate Relations Director Peter O’Brien will visit A&E on Thursday to witness the carnage firsthand but it later emerged he would be in attendance only to officiate the world record attempt.

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