America Vows To Side With Eventual Winner Of Egyptian Conflict

THE LEADER of the Free World’ US President Barack Obama has read words from a carefully drafted statement in response to the reported slaughter of hundreds of Egyptian citizens.

Appalled by the images being relayed by international media outlets, President Obama has gone as far as to sit on a meticulously constructed fence which gives him the ability to passively observe the ensuing chaos.

As the citizenry of Egypt awaited the international community’s condemnation of the carnage wrought by security forces Nobel Peace Prize-winning Obama assuaged their fears by confirming the Egyptian government would indeed continue to avail of close to $1 billion dollars in annual aid from the US Government.

A portion of the statement was seemingly written exclusively to put satirists out of a job

“America cannot determine the future of Egypt.That’s a task for the Egyptian people. We don’t take sides with any particular party or political figure.”

Some political commentators were kind enough to point Obama in the direction of American foreign policy in Yemen, Israel, Pakistan and Libya among other nations.

The clearly well intentioned diplomacy of the Obama administration has received a lukewarm reception in media circles but the President was soon back in their good books once his intern-manned twitter account posted a picture of a Breaking Bad dvd followed by sharing a carefully selected Jay-Z spotify playlist.