Deal Seeking Homeowners Must Sacrifice One Lamb Per €100k To Appease Bank Gods
STRUGGLING homeowners looking to do a deal with their arrears will be expected to sacrifice lambs to the bank Gods, according to a new proposal laid out by the masters of the universe today.
Families looking to write off mortgage debt will be told to purchase at least one sacrificial lamb for every €100,000 owed to the bank Lords – who art in heaven.
Servants to the bank Gods here on earth — the government — have welcomed the proposal and urged homeowners in arrears to immediately get sacrificing before they change their minds again.
“This is a great time of year for purchasing lambs.” said arc angel Michael Noonan. “Lambs are always born at Spring time, and its Spring time now, so just count yer blessings they didn’t ask for this in November or something.”
The Lord Gods of banking estimate there are up to 100,000 families currently in arrears of at least three months on their mortgages, with the average homeowner owing 150,000 euros in total on their homes.
Waterford man Jimmy Walsh, who currently rents his house via mortgage from the bank, told WWN today that he has already bought three lambs to sacrifice to the Bank Gods.
“I owe them two hundred and fifty grand so I wasn’t too sure how many lambs to buy.” he said. “I suppose I can always split the fucker down the middle with another mortgage holder who is in arrears.
“It’ll be like cutting a wedding cake.” he joked.
Mr Walsh is expected to trek up the Comeragh mountains with his family this Sunday, where he will meet banking officials who will witness the slaughter of the lambs.