17 Dead As Lunar Eclipse Breeds Mass Hysteria In Portlaw

SEVENTEEN people are reported to have been killed last night in what Gardai are calling a ‘spontaneous human sacrifice to the Gods’ in the county Waterford village of Portlaw.

On what started as a normal Wednesday evening, residents were stricken by widespread panic as a deep red moon rose to the East in a horrific display of defiance to reality.

Sources say an emergency meeting of ‘elders’ was called in the main square where it was then decided by several men in bathrobes to sacrifice 15 virgins to the moon God ‘Luna’.

Initial suspicions of a Harvest moon quickly spiraled into widespread reports that it was in fact the end of days when the moon appeared to ‘get bigger’ on its own accord.

“We were all scared out of our wits! One minute the moon was all red, then it was getting bigger! What were we supposed to do?” said town Mayor Gerard Walshe.

Village elders ruled out the idea the red moon was actually caused by a natural occurrence, and firm explanations were offered that the Gods were very angry and had to be pleased as soon as humanly possible.

“We had no other option but to round up all the virgins.

“Obviously we panicked as we could only find two in the whole village. And even at that we had our doubts. So, we decided to sacrifice all the teenage girls we could find.”

“It worked a treat. By 10pm the moon was back to normal.” said elder Thomas Kinsley as he was being loaded into an already packed Garda van.

Detectives who visited the site told the Associated Press they found no evidence that the massacre was premeditated and believed the natives actually thought they were doing the right thing.

“It was a horrendous scene. Entrails and body parts were strewn all over the town square. When we arrived there were people smeared in blood shouting profanities at the heavens.” said Supt Int Patrick Lawrence.

Government Ministers have suggested today that a nation-wide education programme in celestial awareness should be implemented for all rural towns and villages.

Minister for Education and Skills, Ruairi Quinn, T.D stated: “We need to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again in Ireland. A new proposal has been raised in the Dail this morning and we hope it will be passed as soon as possible.”

He added: “My condolences go out to the families of all seventeen girls slaughtered in the Portlaw tragedy yesterday.”