HERALDED as the do nothing, giveaway budget of our times, the nation rejoiced as it stood to gain anywhere from 25 cent to €2 billion euro from the various cuts, schemes and incentives outlined by Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe and the government.
However, as the public partied with members of the government until 5am in a Dublin nightclub, the dust began to settle and WWN heard a disturbing story of one middle income earner who failed to receive any economic reprieve whatsoever.
“This is just fucking typical of the bad luck I have, there’s nothing for me,” explained Ciaran Gorrans, clearly disgruntled at the fact the budget with ‘something for everyone’ has nothing for him.
“Everywhere I turn, there’s something for someone else. I don’t drive so the electric car initiative isn’t for me. Increases in social welfare and child benefit don’t effect me and that’s just the start of it,” the irritated Dubliner explained.
Confirmed to be an incredibly unlucky and unprecedented anomaly, Gorrans, it seems, may well be the only person in Ireland to gain nothing from a budget which was voted greatest budget of all time in a poll conducted by the government, surveying only Fine Gael TDs.
“I’ve put my salary into every online budget calculator there is and I get fucking nothing. One of them calculators just said ‘hahahaha, hate to be you’ instead of just saying you get zero or nothing,” Gorrans added.
How Gorrans came away empty handed is hard to understand when so many newly minted millionaires have been created by the visionary financial plan that is Budget 2018 that has gone on to solve homelessness, HSE problems and everything else moaners seem to give out about, leaving WWN to probe the single man in search of a possible answer.
“Well, I suppose when I think back, I did go to school with Paschal Donohoe and I bullied the shit out of him for 6 years, but you… you don’t think that has anything to do with it, do you? I still give him dogs abuse online, in texts, emails, Snapchats even though he doesn’t have the app, but, like, he wouldn’t hold that against me and build a budget just so I lose out… would he?”