Daughter’s Boyfriend Way Too Comfortable In Local Man’s House


EXPERTS in ingratiating yourself with the parents of your partner have been watching on in horror as boyfriend Martin Kelly commandeers the TV remote in the home of his girlfriend of 4 months Jess Higgins.

“You don’t mind Tone, do you? F1’s on,” Kelly said, not pausing for an answer as patriarch of the house Tony looked on, silenced into disbelief at the audacious display unfolding before him.

Kelly, not wearing any socks and helping himself to the contents of the Higgins’ family fridge, has confounded those who possess even a granule of self awareness and shame.

“Jess!” barked Kelly towards the upper floor of the house.

“We’ll be late if you don’t the arse into gear. I doubt she gets the old time-keeping from your side of the family Tone?” offered Kelly, in an exchange only a shade less disrespectful than taking a shit on Tony’s dinner plate.

Experts in ‘where does this prick get off’ have urged Higgins to stop Googling the average prison sentence served for murder in Ireland and instead adopt a more nuanced approach to ensuring Kelly doesn’t stand the test of time.

“If Tony simply befriends this arsehole and insists to his daughter that he’s a great lad Jess will soon become horrified by the notion that her father likes him, and search for a partner he’s less approving of,” confirmed head of Parental Interactions at the Institutes of Studies.

“Suggest he come on a family holiday rather than meticulously plan how you would dispose of his body. Small pain now for a big gain down the line”

UPDATE: Higgins’ plan has been derailed by his wife delivering a ‘I dated someone like Martin when I was your age and you’ll get bored of him eventually’ to their daughter, thus guaranteeing Jess will stick it out for at least another three years in an effort to prove her mother wrong.