Here’s Some Needlessly Erotic Gardening Tips

WWN Gardening could provide you with basic gardening tips that are easy to digest and can help transform your flower bed or bring an end to a problem weed but we made the mistake of hiring Gavin Dermott who has a worrying preoccupation with sexualising everything.

Apologies in advance, here are your needlessly erotically charged gardening tips:

Spring is on the verge of coming, so it’s never too early to plan.

Plunge your girthy trowel deep into the fertile moist soil of the flowerbed until it can’t go any deeper, then you know yourself; follow seed packet instruction and disperse the seeds accordingly.

Let that moist water that’s dripping from the edge of the watering can gush forth and drench everything, completely cover those shapely leaves until they can’t take anymore, but yeah don’t over water plants obviously.

Take pride in your appearance – prune, prune, prune so that there isn’t a leaf out of place on your garden. People should gasp when they look at your perfect flower beds.

Nubile virgin gardeners all make the same mistake, there’s nothing for it but to lose your innocence by running your hands all over hard, neglected soil until you penetrate it and leave it reborn. Get to know your garden is what I’m saying.

Bed as many young seedlings as possible don’t listen to people who say it’s wrong. Get to know every seedling possible, but not in the way my neighbour Bernard did – he’s in jail now. I’m talking about flowers just to avoid any confusion.

Best of luck with wrapping your fingers around that sturdy shovel, feel how strong it is in your hands and don’t forget to have a cigarette when you’re finished.