Who Would You Choose As Ireland’s Next Justice Minister?


WITH everyone from frontline gardaí to the lads with a penchant for setting garda cars on fire in agreement that Helen McEntee’s position as Minister for Justice is untenable, the names of potential successors have been circulating in recent days.

WWN runs through the likely contenders below:

Stephen Donnelly

An expert at grinding people’s resolve down to nothing so they just accept that the health service will never improve and will continue to be a source of daily scandal, Donnelly could be the perfect choice to do the same for the Department of Justice.

Conor McGregor

In the event of McGregor being appointed, he could use his position of power to quash all investigations into him and pending court cases thus freeing up a significant amount of judicial personnel and garda resources.

Enoch Burke

Pro: Criminals would surrender on the spot, knowing that a failure to do so could see Burke stand outside their homes for months on end. Con: Is currently in prison himself.

Your aunt who is being fed an increasingly extreme diet of thinly veiled racist content on social media and YouTube

No one can doubt her passion, nor her unrelenting use of the angry emoji in comments beneath stories written by outlets whose sole purpose is to serve up racist dog whistles. Your aunt wouldn’t hesitate in mobilising the army every time a local WhatsApp group says there’s a rumour that an 18-foot tall refugee is eating puppies down by the canal.

Online poll

Fuck it. Do everything via online mob. Death penalty for this kitten kicker? Shop lifter to be jailed on the moon? Feed this Canada Goose teen to a starving rabble of rabid geese? No crime would do unpunished.

Brendan Gleeson

The clear favourite among the Irish public as he played a guard in The Guard and that was a class movie.

The ghost of Padraig Pearse

Only an unpatriotic traitor would question such a move. Technological limitations be damned, Pearse, moved to ghost tears by the patriotic scenes of destruction last week would happily return to personally help people burn more Luas trams and buses, as outlined in the Proclamation.