“That’s Some Dumbass Shit Right There” Higgins Slams EU President Over Israel Support

MASSAGING his temples in a bid to quell the tension now causing a throbbing headache, Irish President Michael D. Higgins took a deep breath before verbally slamming European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen.

“Oh, lets jump on a private jet and fly to Israel to speak on behalf of an entire collection of sovereign nations we never asked, to pledge unyielding support for blowing up innocent men, women and children, turning them into steaming piles of flesh, no mention of adhering to international law” Higgins began, “Jesus Harold Christ, Ursula, do you even politics, you absolute clown?”

“No, I won’t shut up,” the 82-year-old said hushing an advisor who was trying to affix duct tape to his mouth, “this is the equivalent of giving Putin the Nobel peace prize, or Joseph Kony an award for women’s rights,” adding, “jet back to Brussels for a nice lobster lunch for yourself – I’ve seen more tact from a snail crossing a busy cycle lane on a dark Winter’s night”.

Successfully enticed away from media microphones with a nice cup of Horlicks, the President’s sentiments were not felt by all.

“I just can’t wait for the day when we vote in a president who never prattles on about saving innocent civilians in war zones,” said one Higgins opposer, sick of his constant takes on important world events like he’s some kind of leader, “I like my presidents to be passive ribbon cutters with no real opinions”.