Married Couple To Bravely Stay Together Because Who The Fuck Can Afford To Move Out?


A DEEPLY unhappy couple have made the courageous decision to tough it out because who can afford half a mortgage AND renting a new place.

“He makes me about as happy as a bag of drowning puppies but the rent is astronomical so we’re just going to bravely hate each other in close proximity until that changes,” confirmed wife of the married pair, Caoimhe Morton.

“I would say the spark went out in the relationship sometime before the first humans made settlements in Jebel Irhoud, Morocco some 360,000 years ago,” chimed in her husband, John.

With a housing market utterly hostile to single people, the Mortons do not possess the financial resources to live separate lives and have one of them move out, a situation familiar to many at-each-others-throats former couples who are now just housemates.

“I’ll take his negative comments over negative equity any day,” chuckled Caoimhe, mock choking John for comedic effect despite being utterly dead behind the eyes.

“She’s the 2004 Thailand Tsunami of people but I’ll be fucked if I’m selling this place, we won’t make our money back,” laughed John, “some former couples would dwell on this is such a horrible way to live out your one life, trapped by the housing market in such a way but we’re totally chill about it”.

The couple then retreated to their separate bedrooms to scream into their pillows and chalking another day off their calendars to what they hoped was an imminent election.