Other Things That Are ‘Unwise But Not Illegal’

PHILLIP SCHOFIELD has seen his ITV career go down in flames as he finally admitted to being in a relationship with someone he knew when they were 15 and had helped to get a job at the broadcaster. However, Schofield stressed that while he conducted an affair with the much younger man it was ‘unwise but not illegal’.

In the age of internet mobs and cancel culture it is important to note the many things that are ‘unwise but not illegal’:

Placing your genitals at the entry point of the hoover’s suction pipe and pressing the ‘on’ button.

Charging people for parking at hospitals.

Standing at the arse-end of an elephant who has just been fed a mix of laxatives and the world’s spiciest curry.

Reheating your dinner by putting lasagna in the microwave and then putting the microwave in the oven.

Trying to get famous on TikTok if you are over the age of 30.

Planning your day so that you drive pass the local girls secondary school just as its pupils are heading home.

Employing a ‘five year rule’ for any food you drop on the floor.

Covering your bare feet in baby oil before driving your car.

Slapping Chris Rock in the face for slagging your mot.

Punching an auld lad in the face for slagging your shite whiskey.

Wearing a sandwich board with a racist slur emblazoned on it in Harlem like you’re Bruce Willis in Die Hard With A Vengeance.

Never clearing your internet browser history.

Blowing out your sibling’s birthday candles.

Doing the hucklebuck.

Swimming in Dunmore East, or at any Irish beach.

Not registering your properties with the RTB despite being a TD. Apparently.

Wearing Crocs.

Asking the group of teens blasting music from their phones on the top deck of the bus to stop.

Calling the largest and baldest nightclub bouncer you can find ‘cue ball’, ‘slap head’ or ‘Dr. Evil’.

Immediately sprinting in the other direction when you see the cops.

Changing your name by deed poll to ‘Inappropriate Relationship With Young Man’.