‘Carpool Karate, Sepultura House Band’: Changes Patrick Kielty Is Making To The Late Late Show

FRESH from formally being announced as the next host of The Late Late Show, Patrick Kielty hasn’t been shy in letting the TV viewing public know that he plans a big shake up of the format.

For more on what changes are in store for the iconic institution, read below:

The Late Late Show owl will be killed by Patrick Kielty with a bow and arrow during his first episode, symbolising a changing of the guard.

Carpool Karate will see a celebrity violently assaulted as they try driving through the streets of Dublin.

Half the show will now be dedicated to stories of misery and despair and proudly sponsored by Ryanair.

Every week a family of homeless refugees will be given to everyone in the audience.

The Toy Show will be become a Lord of The Flies style fight to the death where children are left to decide amongst themselves who deserves the PS5 and the meet and greet with Ed Sheeran.

A new techno music special will air in the Summer featuring Carl Cox and that gurning rave guy from the memes.

Bravery meters will be set up to gauge the courage of celebrities opening up about important issues with the end-of-season winner receiving a Waterford crystal decanter.

Will keep the Blind Date segment in the annual Valentine’s Special but with added glory holes.

On his debut show, an effigy of Ryan Tubridy will be set alight in studio.

Thanks to new advertising standards, all guests promoting books or movies will have to wear a t-shirt with the hashtag #sp written on it.

A Guinness tap is to be installed on Patrick’s desk to encourage visiting Hollywood celebrities to pour a pint while telling everyone how much they love Ireland.

“I’ll keep the same variety element to the show, mud wrestling lasses in bikinis the one minute, chatting with Putin about his time trying to find love as a young fella in Lisdoonvarna the next” Kielty told WWN.

There will be no change in the way the crew must treat the host; attempting to make eye contact will result in a blinding, as is custom.

All guest questions will be generated by AI.

Intends to interview people from Northern Ireland in such a way that doesn’t make it feel like the host is treating them like an exotic zoo animal from a far-off place.

The house band will be death metal outfit Sepultura whose hits include Desperate Cry, Dead Embryonic Cells and Antichrist.

Will reduce the percentage of guests sourced directly from the RTÉ canteen to an all-time low of 87%.