“Collision Knocked Jade Egg Out Of My Fanny” Paltrow Tells Court


JURORS at the ongoing Gwyneth Paltrow ski accident trial have asked for more frequent breaks so that they can go outside and get a breath of fresh air and not have to listen to any more absolute horse shit, WWN can report.

“One incredibly rich person smacked into another quite rich person while engaging in a very exclusive rich person sport, and we’re supposed to pick which of these people gets handed more money? Christ,” muttered juror number 7, who didn’t smoke at the start of the trial but absolutely does now.

“Ms. Paltrow is claiming emotional distress to her chakras after her collision with Mr. Terry Sanderson. He claims he can’t ski anymore. I claim I can’t go on another minute without a god damned drink,” stated juror number 9, as court officials made yet another call for the jury to reconvene.

Hollywood star and Goop CEO Paltrow is also claiming for damages to a jade egg that was ‘knocked loose from a sensitive area’ by the collision, as well as looking for token one dollar compensation for her Native American Shaman mind partner, who psychically felt the knock from across the country.

“This whole incident has caused my company Goop to lose credibility, so who’s going to pay for that?” asked Paltrow, giving her best performance in years.