“Let Them Sleep In Tents”

FACED with a torrent of news stories featuring people describing the toll the eviction ban will have on their lives, chiefly homelessness, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar mused from a Leinster House balcony that those facing life in the doorway of shop simply avail of a tent.

“Not just any tent, the glamping ones you get at festivals, they’re great,” advised the Taoiseach, who sometimes fretted for the disastrous outcomes faced by people were they to be subjected to the tyrannical rule of a Sinn Féin-led government.

“Or failing that, have you seen those great big luxury tents they use in the Sahara desert for tourists? How much could they cost, €50?”

While his comments drew accusations that he, along with his coalition leaders, couldn’t be more out of touch with the plight of many people struggling to find accommodation the Taoiseach insisted those assertions were incorrect.

“A quick glance at Eamon Ryan’s latest tweets would show you that his mind was firmly on how fecking brilliant China is and how it’s a must visit for everyone, including people crying as they desperately search Daft,” added the Taoiseach.

Now fanning himself as he was hand fed grapes by Micheál Martin, the Taoiseach continued to provide calming reassuring words for the public.

“Let them have ‘hostels’, let them have ‘additional measures’, let them have ‘can’t solve this overnight’, let them have ‘safety nets’, let them have ‘housing coming on stream any day now’,” the Taoiseach bellowed.

Elsewhere, ESB announced profits of €847 million much to the relief of the government who can now use an energy windfall tax to pay for €800 million worth of new tax breaks for landlords.