MEDICAL professionals working on the front lines of GP practices and hospitals are appealing for help from the WHO and infectious disease specialists after thousands of people failed to turn up to work this morning, citing the sudden onset of illness.
“It’s localised to Man Utd supporters so we’re examining what could have brought this on, are their specific genetic markers, is it hereditary, did they experience a traumatic event lasting 90 minutes,” said Dr John Staines.
“Thankfully no one in Manchester has it obviously, but there’s high concentration of the sickness in London, Dublin and several countries where Man Utd have official noodle sponsorship deals,” added Dr Staines.
Dr Staines said one element of the curious epidemic that has emerged is that everyone affected displayed ‘manic confidence’ just weeks ago and spoke endlessly about ‘winning the Europa and the Prem’.
“Sorry I can’t make it, dunno what’s up with me but this illness has hit me for seven,” confirmed one Utd fan down the phone to their boss, as the onset of the most severe symptoms, sustained crying and making excuses for Bruno Fernandes, started up again.
“It’s weird, I was in perfect health Sunday last, I was even able to get an early start in work on Monday, couldn’t shut me up then actually when talking to Liam, the Newcastle fan in the office”.
Elsewhere, several brave supporters did muster the strength to make it into the office.
“No, you can’t make me, I don’t want to go in,” sobbed Gery Neville as his wife dropped him off at the Sky Sports studios for Monday Night Football.