AN POST staff have begged local priests, GAA managers and business people to put a pause of sending character witness statements through the post as the service cannot cope with the demand in the week of a high profile GAA star being arrested as part of a fraud probe.
“We’re used to the odd hand written statements claiming some sports star or other shouldn’t be treated like a normal civilian because ‘kick ball good’ or what have you but this is getting ridiculous. whatever judge gets this case won’t be able to read all these” confirmed one postal worker buried under a fresh delivery.
Traditionally GAA clubs and county boards store bundles of pre-written ‘character witness’ statements for present and past players, with dozens of versions all carefully altered to fit the alleged crime. However, since no predicted a player would be arrested for allegedly perpetrating a fake cancer diagnosis, the club and county in question have had to start from scratch.
“I can’t feel my fingers,” said one loyal county man 18 pages into a stirring summation of what a decent and character the unnamed GAA star is.
“Personally I prefer writing the ‘sure she’s only lying’ ones but it’s nice to know I’m doing the county a great service,” confirmed a local priest.
Elsewhere, gardaí have appealed to people to stop throwing bricks through house windows and burning out cars now that the victim at the centre of an alleged assault carried out by Conor McGregor has withdrawn her accusation.