THE 2022 Fine Gael ard fheis took place in Westmeath and WWN gained exclusive access to the weekend’s festivities and speeches.
Westmeath was chosen as a location for this year’s Ard Fheis because Dublin has too many homeless people who would have ruined group selfies by appearing in the background asking for change.
Only 14,389 mentions of Sinn Féin in key note speeches, a record low.
A number of delegates threatened to set themselves on fire unless the ard fheis was paused during the Ireland V Australia match.
Leo Varadkar confirmed he’d rather put his balls in a blender than go into coalition with Sinn Féin.
During his keynote speech Varadkar demanded Sinn Féin apologise for their woeful handling of the housing crisis in Ireland over the last 12 years.
17 government TDs were rushed to hospital after injuring their backs during a party back slapping seminar.
Elsewhere, three members died of a heart attack attending the ‘House of Horrors’ exhibit which consisted solely of pictures of Eoin Ó Broin.
There was free treatment for amnesia for party members who forgot they had rental houses and property companies that needed to be added to the RTB and Dáil register of interests.
A huge honour, Micheál Martin was presented with a ‘Friend of Fine Gael’ medal.
Katherine Zappone had to be removed by security after trying to attend the ‘jobs for the lads’ seminar.
The official ard fheis slogan of ‘Leadership, Stability and Vision’ beat out other contenders including ‘Clueless Instability and Vision Impaired’.
Leo Varadkar manned a ‘the grass isn’t always greener’ stand where he mushed imported grass from European cities in the face of anyone claiming Dublin wasn’t the cheapest city in the world for rent.
There was major concern after fighter jets were scrambled to shoot down a Russian nuclear bomb attack on the ard fheis, ordered by Vladimir Putin hoping to take out his biggest foes; Irish government TDs on his Russia ban list.
Emer Higgins became the first face sculpted into the granite edifice of Fine Gael’s version of Mount Rushmore for her brave work which led to renaming Passport Express ‘Post Passport’.
No mention of the fact that €467mn of this year’s housing budget still unspent with 6 weeks of 2022 to go.
“No, we’re the party of law and order”: party officials confirmed of the €10,000 donation Simon Coveney received in 2010 from Brendan Mullin who is set to stand trial accused of stealing €500,000 from Bank of Ireland.