King Charles Promises To Let DUP Call Him ‘Big Papa’ If They Agree To Form Stormont Government


KING CHARLES, the recently installed monarch of Britain has made an astonishing intervention in a bid to help reopen Stormont and see functioning power-sharing return to Northern Ireland.

A continued and obstinate obstacle to forming a government, the DUP now face a tantilising offer were they to partake in electing a speaker to Stormont; they would get to call the King ‘Papa’ or ‘Big Papa’.

“Everyone else has to call him Your Majesty so this is a big deal. The King has graciously sought to exploit the DUP’s weirdly erotic and Oedipal relationship with the Royal family to benefit the people of Northern Ireland who have the distinct memory of voting in a government last May even though one never materialised,” explained a Palace official.

“One has made it known to the DUP’s leader Joffrey Donaldduckson that one would be willing to drop the Royal formalities and permit these fellows to call one Big Papa, or ‘Daidí Mór’ in Irish as I believe you Unionists say” offered the King.

The King also expressed his sympathy with the DUP as he got his first job at 73 and found the 9-to-5 slog difficult but insisted eventually DUP MLAs are actually going to have to work to earn their salaries.

Other concessions made to appease the DUP include:

On the death of King Charles, the DUP will have first dibs on cooking his sausage fingers and eating them.

In the event of another Assembly election in which the DUP suffers further loss of votes, the DUP will receive one Union Jack for every lost vote.

The Palace vows to find the identity of the man who keeps pumping tomatoes puree into Sammy Wilson’s face.

Elsewhere, reacting to the news of King Charles’ offer, Donaldson said he was sad to learn that the King was part of an IRA sleeper cell.