Crime Bot 4000 Begins First Shift On O’Connell St
PROTECTED by seven feet of reinforced steel and possessing the same military capabilities of a US military battalion, Crime Bot 4000, the crime fighting robot designed by Fine Gael TDs after going too hard on the vino has been unveiled.
Tasked with tackling anti-social behaviour on Dublin’s O’Connell Street, the Crime Bot 4000 is set to succeed where Irish politicians’ plan of ‘just let towns go to shit’ has failed.
“We initially thought opening a garda station on O’Connell Street would be enough but we’ve found some space in the budget for old Crimey here and he’s going to change the way we handle the consequences of 11 years of Fine Gael in government and the continued presence of Dublin City Council,” explained Minister for Justice Helen McEntee.
Fluent in all 1,214 different inner city Dublin dialects and equipped with the nostrils of a Bob Marley fan, Crime Bot will be able to sniff out drug use and hear all drug dealing and taking within a 3km radius.
“Crimey differs from a normal guard in that when a normal guard sees a mass brawl break out among thugs fighting over who gets to assault an American tourist first they say to themself ‘I’m not being paid enough to deal with this shit’, Crimey here just launches a tactical nuclear strike,” explains Crime Bot 4000’s remote operator, John, a middle-aged Twitter user whose solutions to everything is ‘send in the army’.
Asked if finally building a drug injection centre and reforming how drug addiction is tackled in Ireland would make a better contribution to improving Dublin city, the Minister for Justice broke down in laughter.
UPDATE: the Crime Bot 4000 was incinerated 4 minutes into its first shift. Its wife, a smart kettle with internet connectivity has been informed.