Local Man Doesn’t Always Look For Bag But He’s Drunk Now And Needs To Sober Up


WATERFORD man John Elgan would like you to know that he doesn’t normally seek out grams of cocaine while on a night out but drank too much today and he just needs something to sober him up, WWN has learned.

Elgan casually asked around his local pub, The Dyson, to see if anyone knows anyone carrying bag to give him a shout straight away as he’s out with the lads down the back there and can even pay cash if needed but would take an eighth if it’s on the book.

“Just looking for a gram is all, but if there’s more there I’ll take it as it’s me birthday next week and I always get cash from the folks on me birthday,” the 27-year-old relayed into several ears as he floated from one local clique of friends to the other like a coke seeking missile, “it’s the fucking lads’ fault for gettin’ in shots at 5 o’clock and then the quarter pounder meal finished me off there an hour ago so if I don’t get something quick I’ll have to sleep in the cubicle – I’ll be sure to get a free line or two there”.

Despite claiming he doesn’t normally ‘seek bag’, Elgan’s approach to random tables have become a bit of a regular scene in Dyson’s beer garden, with some frequenters pointing out that the full-time son-of-two has been handed down a nickname.

“Oh great, here’s the fucking drug slug on,” Patricia Ryan warned friends as the drunk-faced Elgan stumbled over to cup his hand over her ear and spray it with absolute nonsense.

“John, fuck home for yourself and go to bed, maybe try not getting twisted all the time and you wouldn’t have to sober up with nose rot,” Ryan replied, not one to hold back.

UPDATE: Due to the high levels of use, Elgan managed to scrape several varied line mixtures from whatever was left on the cistern and looks like now he may even make it to 2am closing time. Good man, John.