Pure Coincidence New Channel 4 Owner Will Be Tory Donor


BORIS JOHNSON’S Tory government has confirmed that it will be a completely innocent coincidence when Channel 4 is privatised and purchased by a Tory donor through a shell company in which he or she is the largest shareholder.

“When the successful bidder is eventually identified as a major donor having been selected by the Tory chum we just appointed as head of Channel 4, you mustn’t jump to conclusions,” confirmed minister for shitting on culture, Nadine Dorries.

The recently announced sell off of Channel 4 has been mourned by diversity and disability advocates and by local man Kevin Freeland, who saw his first ever vagina on Channel 4.

“It was one of those European arthouse nudey lady movies, that German lad Lerner Wurstsel directed it,” said Freeland, unwilling to admit it was just straight up late night TV softcore pornography.

Hungover students have also asked for immediate clarification on whether the sell off will impact their ability to watch Hollyoaks marathons.

“Someone might look at us and say we’re scraping Britain’s most inclusive and progressive TV channel that 90% of respondents said should remain in its current form with a public service remit and conclude we’ve got some agenda against it,” offered Dorries, “and this is why we’ve got to continue cutting education funding and chasing the lowest common denominator in culture so you no longer have the intelligence to notice when we do stuff like this”.

Meanwhile, PM Johnson denied his motivation for ripping up Channel 4 had anything to do with its news division which refuses to fawn over him but rather the ear ache he’s gotten from trying to understand the cast of Derry Girls.