Pope ‘Heartbroken’ About Migrant Crisis But Not ‘Solve It With Own Money’ Heartbroken


THE Pope has denounced the selfish and narrow-minded way in which Europe is treating migrants during the longstanding crisis in the Mediterranean, but added a firm ‘woah there’ when pressed on what he himself was going to do about it.

“I’m more of a problem observer than a problem solver” stated God’s spokesperson on Earth, speaking from the Greek island of Lesbos where he likes to go every now and then to chill out.

“So yeah, don’t come at me with all of that ‘sits on a solid gold chair’ buzz, or indeed any of this ‘the Catholic church is the largest holder of real estate in the world’ business. Believe me, if any of these people headed to Europe want to convert to Catholicism, then they’re more than welcome to join. I’m not saying they’re not Catholics to begin with, by the way. But at a glance, it appears that way”.

The Pope spoke as the asylum crisis continued to worsen in the area, with treacherous sea crossings claiming more lives every year and tensions on the Poland to Belarus border threatening to destabilise the area, all of which the Pontiff described as ‘shocking shit altogether’.

“Get your act together,” Pope Francis told the EU in a stern address.

“With that being said, migrant tragedies do tend to eat up media space, so there’s a place for them here and there, particularly if my own organisation is having a ‘bad news’ week if you get me. So maybe don’t sort it altogether, just kinda balance it out a bit”.

The Pope went on to say he would pray for the migrants, which should help about as much as it usually does.