Nightclubs To Be Re-Named ‘Late Afternoon Clubs’

THE night economy has reacted to the government’s sudden u-turn on nocturnal activity by shifting everything four hours earlier, a move which will apparently abide by new Covid regulations.

The Taoiseach announced yesterday that surging case numbers has forced the midnight closure of restaurants, bars and similar venues, which would have effectively shut down nightclubs if quick-thinking owners hadn’t just renamed them ‘Late Afternoon Clubs’ with opening hours from 4pm to midnight.

“So instead of tumbling into a nightclub at 1am after the pubs shut, you can now tumble into a nightclub at 6pm after work finishes” said a spokesperson for the renowned Waterford night spot Fingers.

“You won’t have three hours of pints in you at that stage, so it’s our recommendation that you skull a naggin around about 3 in the afternoon. Other than that it’s business as usual – we’re keeping the dancefloor nice and sticky, our bouncers will be as heavy-handed as you’d expect, you can do a bag in the jacks and cry in the smoking area and then we’ll play the National Anthem at 11.45pm and let everyone spill out onto the streets drunk and horny as per usual”.

The move, which does not break any of the Covid guidelines currently in place, has nevertheless been criticised by the government who feel it’s unfairly going against what they had intended.

“We really hoped you’d get the hint and shut down like we really wanted you to, without us having to be the bad guys again,” the Taoiseach was heard to sigh as he worked on how to claim that every decision he’s made this year has been right, even if the results were wrong.