Signs You’re Not A Morning Person

THE MORNINGS aren’t for everyone. WWN Business brings you some subtle signs you might be a terse, morning adverse person:

1) You’ll be fucked if you’re arsed reading this before 6pm.

2) Hissing out at sunlight breaking through the curtains. Note: this may mean you are a vampire and WWN is not liable for any loss of life should you burst into flames.

3) The snooze button on your alarm has become sentient and knows to turn itself off every five minutes.

4) Bludgeoning to death anyone who says ‘I’m not right until I’ve had my morning coffee’.

5) Adopting the life endorsed by monks who have taken a vow of silence, until at least 11am in your case.

6) Never uttering the phrase ‘I’m not a morning person’ because you’re too busy managing your pent up rage at being forced to adhere to a fabricated capitalist mandated 9-5 daily drudge that has no end.

7) You completely reject ‘morning’ as a concept, and have existed in a timeless void you entered when you refused to get up for school when you were 10. Condemned to travel the universe completely untethered from ‘night’ and ‘day’. After years in the space wilderness a thought occurs to you; it’s not that you’re not a morning person, it’s that morning is not a you person.