It’s The NLDWWNERU (No Longer Daily WWN Euros Round Up)


A fantastic contest, the game between Spain and Italy was played at a quicker tempo than an EDM song stuck on fast forward.

Dominant for the majority of the match Spain committed more passes than a fed up single woman scrolling through her dating apps.

Highlights from the energy sapping and engrossing head-to-head included Simon aimlessly running out of his goal like a man, 10-pints in, chasing the last Nightlink bus of the night.

Italy started slower than a learner driver attempting a hill start but Spain failed to capitalise on their dominance.

Pedri, a peerless 18-year-old producing an incredible performance in a semi-final of a major tournament sent many viewers into an existential black hole with the realisation they were getting rejected for jobs in McDonalds at the same age.

The deadlock was broken in the second half by Frederico Chiesa, who’s footballer father, Enrico, is now officially known as Frederico’s Da. Cutting inside and capping off a breakneck counter attack, Chiesa expertly slotted home into the far corner.

An end to end game in a state of constant flow, credit must go to the referee who’s phobia of the colour yellow meant he kept his cards in his pocket.

1-0 down Luis Enrique was clearly in search of several missed open goals and so made the decision to bring on Alvaro Morata. The striker had different plans and finished a chance with all the ruthlessness of 

A celebration full of vindication, Morata screamed down the camera like a jilted ex drunk dialling at 3am explaining how they’re doing sooo, sooo much better without you.

The scores remained level at the end of extra time and the pre-penalties coin toss witnessed scenes of a jovial Giorgio Chiellini making Jordi Alba look as uncomfortable as an 18-year-old being forced to listen to detailed stories of his middle aged uncle’s sexual exploits.

The Wikipedia entry for the Juventus defender now lists his occupation as ‘full time mad bastard’.

Morata missed what turned out to be Spain’s final penalty and as a result he will be crucified live on Spanish TV on El Chiringuito.

Italy’s Jorginho put all his years of playing hopscotch at school to use with a skip and jump of a run up. A calm finish, Jorginho’s penalty was cooler than a polar bear’s arse. As a result, Italy remains on course to complete an unprecedented Euros/Eurovision double.

Ireland are on standby to dye the orange third of all their tricolours red in the event of an England later win tonight.