It’s The DWWNERU (Daily WWN Euros Round Up)
IN the day’s first game it seemed one team was in a rush to get points on the board while their opponents look finished. What Russia v Finland lacked in anything resembling actual quality it more than made up for in geopolitical tension and acrimony.
If you were a fan of bad tackles, injuries, fouls, and more bad tackles this was the game for you.
In Geneva, Vladimir Putin could be seen politely nodding and saying ‘yeah, yeah cool whatever’ during his crunch meeting with Joe Biden while clearly glued to the Finland game on a nearby big screen.
Not even a fight to the death between an actual whale and a turkey could have competed with the 5pm kick-off for entertainment value as a courageous Wales side won 2-0.
During the game Amnesty International stated making Welsh players play in 33 degree heat in Baku was as inhuman as forcing a polar bear to trek across the Sahara.
Many people’s dark horses for the Euros, Turkey have proved the biggest letdown since Covid didn’t kill Trump.
Bale, the game’s standout performer, had a near flawless game except for skying a penalty which is only now returning to the Earth’s atmosphere.
The full-time golfer repeatedly played Ramsey through on goal, who took the nervous provisional driver route to scoring by failing his first 15 attempts before finally getting it over the line.
On the BBC commentary an impartial Robbie Savage paraglided down onto the pitch to demand the ref blow it up seconds after the first goal went in.
As Wales clung on, a fight broke out at end of the game which made a drunken 4am fight outside a kebab shop look like Ali v Frazier.
Right at the death Wales talisman decided nobody puts Bale in the corner as he jinked his way into the box setting up Roberts for a second, all but securing their place in the next round.
The 8pm kick off saw the Italy team again deliver their anthem with the same short of passion and intensity that’s present when the handsome bastards are probably sleeping with your wife behind your back.
It appeared Chiellini had opened the scoring, as Swiss defenders reacted like buildings collapsing in slow motion as the ball fell to the Juventus man, only for the goal to ruled out by handball.
Despite the protests of RTÉ’s Ronnie Whelan, replays showed that Chiellini had in fact handles the ball and resembled an flailing octopus being electrocuted.
Moment afters Chiellini was forced off with jugglers elbow, Locatelli scored Italy’s first goal. Starting the move off with a pass led to reports of loud orgasm like sounds being made by viewers, the let-us-just-check-wikipedia Sassuolo player finished off the move too.
It wasn’t long into the second half when Locatelli fired in a second goal, sparking an inevitably disappointing €90mn move to Man Utd, as Italy made more impressive stride in the tournament than Usain Bolt does when running for the bus.
Capping off the win, Immobile put a third goal passed an immobile Swiss keeper Sommer, who had mentally already gone on holidays.
Elsewhere, after a round-the-clock effort, rescue workers have finally freed Scotland keeper David Marshall from the net he became entangled in after Patrick Schick’s wonder lob.
UEFA have banned Marko Arnautovic for one game after they clarified the post goal celebration rule around screaming “fuck your Albanian mother” down the camera. It turns out, you can’t do that.
After Ronaldo wiped $4bn off the value of Coca Cola by removing the beverage from his press conference, Irish people are plotting to place house prices in front of him at his next media briefing.
Today’s action sees Ukraine and North Macedonia telling Euro viewers that it’s okay if you’ve got a bit of fatigue and want to skip this game, they’d totally understand.
Denmark return to the field in a game that Belgium should just let them win, while the 8pm kick off sees Netherlands play an Austrian side your deranged mate in your WhatsApp group still believes will ‘do a Greece’.