Loopholes For Cuckoo Funds, A Government Guide

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ARE you an investment fund planning on hoovering up the Irish housing market but worried that new rules introduced by the government might harm your chances?

Well then, this is the guide for you. Worry not, the Irish government is on hand to personally guide you through all the loopholes you can easily exploit:

– First off, for the few of you investments funds we didn’t already give a heads up to about all this, or who didn’t give us some of our best ideas, don’t worry this is very much a case of doing the bare minimum to the point of doing fuck all.

– All that rent you’re collecting, don’t worry the old ‘you don’t have to pay any tax on that’ arrangement is here to stay.

– We’ve added a rate of 10% stamp duty on any individual or fund buying 10 homes or more over a 12 month period. But there’s nothing stopping you setting up a bunch of shell companies to buy multiple sets of 9 homes thus avoiding the 10% charge.

– But hey, with billions to invest it’s not like you’ll even hesitate to carry on buying 10 units that once cost you €350k each that will now cost €385k each. It’s almost like this doesn’t act like a deterrent at all.

– It’ll be a few years before any of this takes effect and existing planning permissions will be exempt so for the time being make like a young one in pyjamas legging it through a reopened Penneys and buy fucking everything! Don’t say we don’t look after you guys!

– Now, some of you have reported sightings of Eoin Ó Broin and Cian O’Callaghan staring a hole through your souls from behind the bushes outside your offices. Sadly, we can’t do anything about that at the minute. Maybe we can pay for the therapy if you require it.

– As everyone, including ourselves in government know, only idiot losers would think an apartment qualifies as a ‘home’, which is why we didn’t extend the rule which means 50% of new housing estates must be sold to owner occupiers.

– Oh and you see that 50% figure, that’s actually at the discretion of local councils. So a council can reduce that 50% to 0% if they like.

– Basically lads, the country’s cities are yours to do what you want with. And don’t worry we’ll keep paying you hundred of millions in HAP as a thank you for buying apartments that could have fallen into the wrong hands AKA working families.

– We increased councillors pay to €25k there the other day so that eliminates any risk that a councillor could be induced to side with investments fund in exchange for a future roll with a property company or the like.

– Irish Res Pr PLC’s share price rose by nearly 4% off the back of our announcements to ‘crack down’ on funds, we in government can only apologise we couldn’t have facilitated a bigger increase. We’ll endeavour to do so next ‘crack down’ time.

– If you need any customer service assistance and further hand holding when it comes to making the most of the loopholes, we are reachable at the usual number!

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