Cousins Weird As Fuck, Finds Report


A NEW report into cousins – you know the ones – has found beyond any reasonable doubt that they are as weird as fuck, WWN can confirm.

The study, funded by the Normal Cousins of Ireland group, found vast anomalies in cousin behaviour, likening them to some far removed evolutionary chain of primates who have yet to learn even the most basic steps of human etiquette.

“We found that a certain class of cousins are just very, very odd, you know?” the 46,000 page report read – its findings published this week in National Geographic magazine.

“It’s like they’re not even from this planet at times and seem to be constantly fighting and generally bringing bad luck on themselves, while simultaneously blaming everybody else for their own problems”.

Cousins were found to be so embarrassing and strange that they were even being denied by their counterparts, with a large majority of family members distancing themselves from their blood relatives indefinitely.

“I usually just say they’re dead, or they’re just related to me through marriage, citing some eejit who went rogue,” one man ashamed of his cousins told WWN, “we like to call them the Jeremy Kyle Show side of the family, but to be honest, that’s not really fair on the Jeremy Kyle guests, they’re not that bad”.

The extensive report concluded that a staggering 50% of cousins were as weird as fuck, with the remaining 50% deemed to be ‘up their own holes’.