Dad To Spend All Of ‘Home Alone’ Pointing Out Ways He Would Have Just Murdered Kevin McAllister


SETTLING in with his family to watch Christmas classic ‘Home Alone’ with his family, one Irish father took it as an opportunity to list all the ways he would get the better of Kevin McAllister and brutally murder him, WWN can report.

“See your man here is putting his hand on the red hot door handle like some fool, I wouldn’t do that,” said Mick O’Neill, to polite nods from his adult children.

“I’d just cave in the little kid’s head with a brick. Wouldn’t stop ’til his head looked like a pile of strawberry jam,” the 55-year-old O’Neill said with a chirpy chuckle, masking the absolutely mental thing he just said.

Speaking with a detached psychopathic focus and intensity that could not be broken no matter the number of times his children uttered ‘Jesus Christ, Dad!’, O’Neill continued to list off the faults in Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern’s methods.

“Do they’ve no cop on at all? The ‘Wet Bandits’? More like wet eejits. Would you not just get a gun and put two in each knee cap of the wee fella to stop him running. Then saw off his arms and fed him his own intestines, these lads are amateurs,” continued O’Neill not once taking his eye off the action of the family comedy that is in no way to be taking as a cinema verite documentary of house burglaries.

“Now see this bit here, he finally gets his hands on the little prick, this is where I’d put my hands around his neck and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze, wouldn’t let go until I was sure the life had left his eyes,” said O’Neill as two of his grandchildren whizzed past the TV.