How To Get Through Christmas Dinner On Zoom, A Guide


YOU’VE explained to your mother on several occasions that there really is no need to send a plate of Christmas dinner in the post as you’re not sure if that’s even legal.

All that’s left is to begin your Christmas dinner on Zoom, but not before reading WWN’s essential survival guide first:

First off, Christmas day is an endurance event so play the long game by sipping on the Lucozade, biding your time until 11am, or whenever your mam, who has been up since 6 this morning cooking, has their side of the dinner ready.

For once you’ll be free of your parents pretend wrath when they do their annual Xmas dinner ‘no you’re grand, you relax on the couch there, we’ll do everything for Lord and Lady Muck’ routine.

Once settled, place your camera/phone in a position that doesn’t show what kind of Christmas dinner you made yourself. Eating chicken flavoured noodles will be hard to disguise, so eat out of shot at all times. Note: use a virtual background to disguise any mess your home may be in. 

During your Zoom family dinner, always be careful when rolling your eyes at your Dad making jokes about passing the gravy through the laptop, you don’t want to detach a retina.

WARNING: even though you have made your own dinner and your parents may be thousands of miles away, it is never safe to joke about your mother’s turkey being ‘dry’, her death stare can still cut you in two no matter what time or space is between you, which is something to do with quantum mechanics. 

ADDITIONAL WARNING: your father loves his honey glazed ham more than his children, so that’s off limits for criticism too.

It should also be noted that conventional ‘well this has been lovely, but I must go’ excuses are all null and void this year – everyone knows that you have nowhere to be. 

Fortunately, for everyone except your poor mother this year, you can humour Dad when he does his post-dinner ‘pull my finger’ through Zoom gag. This will be exceptionally funny this year as your mother’s face sours. 

Allow 30-60 minutes to say goodbye to your family on Zoom, as more local news, deaths, rumours that have previously been forgotten about are divulged by your now glassy eyed mother. 

If stuck, pretend your line is dropping by just saying every second word out loud like “Okay… go… line… bad… love… thanks… next year”. 

Quickly end call.