Here’s Who’s Getting The Vaccine First In Ireland


THE GOVERNMENT announced today the full list and order of people who will be receiving the Covid-19 vaccine whenever the EU gets around to giving it the responsible Germanic thumbs up.

Read on to find out if you’ll be first in line:

First to get the vaccine are over 65s in nursing homes.

Followed by:

– All children who appeared on the Late Late Toy Show at any point in its history.

– Friends and families of government TDs, and sure look it, say nothing – good honest developers and bankers can’t be expected to queue with the rest of the plebs, can they?

– Enya. She must be protected at all costs.

– Any upstanding GAA lads on a county panel.

– The vulnerable*

*this also includes any middle class couples who simply can’t be expected to wait when they’ve a skiing holiday booked for the end of January.

– Front line workers. Not student nurses though, as we’ve learned recently they’re not doing any real work worth paying them for, so hardly worth jabbing them in the arm.

– Michael D Higgins’ remaining dogs.

– Anyone who completes their 468-page online ‘Why I Deserve It’ form on the HSE’s website.

– Anyone who has a debilitating fear of needles but have to agree to have it live streamed for everyone else’s sadistic pleasure.

– That one kid in senior infants who constantly has snot pouring out of his nose and is a super spreader waiting to happen.

– 18-55 year olds named Sean, Aoife, Niamh or Darragh. The government has decided pure Irish names must be preserved before those with ‘notions-drenched American sounding names’.

– Lads who have stated “I’m not sticking anything in my arms” who had no problem traveling to Thailand for 3 weeks of paying strangers for unprotected sex.

– Coke snorting vegans who are ‘on the fence’ about the chemicals contained in the vaccine.

– Teachers.