Fed Up With Everything? Try These Existential Screams On For Size


THERE’S never been a better or more appropriate time to expand those lungs and let out a scream.

But just what scream of existential anguish is right for you? WWN runs through the list of go-to screams for those who need to let it all out.

Scream into a pillow, out a window, from a megaphone; the choice is yours.

Are you tired, oh so very, very fucking tired?

We’d recommend the classic old fashioned “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”. Warning, this one comes with the chance of a sore throat. WWN suggests at least 10 seconds of expressing your downtrodden dismay, but this is only a guide.

Are you exhausted by how much you flip from being that prick constantly giving out about people not adhering to guidelines, to being that prick that gives out about pricks giving out? God, 2020 has been a bastard we know, it’s tough. Down a shot of honey to prepare the vocal chords and let fly on this bad boy:

“Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”. It’s more high pitched, and it’s got 23% more raw pain than “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”.

Have you lost your job, barely left your house since March, conducted your social life via Zoom and could do without being browbeaten by and condescended to by the government? Trust us, you’ll love a prolonged shout of a sentence. “We fucking get iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit” is just the ticket.

Once you start on this one though, chances are you’ll be horse for a week. Bonus option: raise your fist to the sky while shaking in anger.

Be careful not to carry over into another sentence or else you risk leaving the ‘existential scream’ zone and entering the full blown rant black hole which go on for days.

Do you attend tightly packed drinking hotspots which people claim are ‘Bermuda Triangle’ Covid-19 locations where it is impossible for the virus to spread?

It’s not an existential scream you need, just a little detached laugh of “hahahahahahaha”.

Sick of the sight of everything, everyone? Stubbed your toe? Cut off in traffic? Would a change in the direction of the wind set you off at this stage? Well “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” is your only man. Longer the better. Find a spot you can shout this into which helps the scream resonate. Maybe into a kitchen pot? Or the top of a mountain valley. Keep repeating.