Air Leak On International Space-Station Nowhere Near The Pulse-Shredding Thrill Ride You’d Hope


THE WORLD has been told to stay calm following news of an air leak on board the International Space Station, as the issue has almost zero chance of developing into anything other than a mundane repair with no drama, no zero-G fireballs, and no last minute Hail-Mary solutions that would involve the sacrifice of a brave Captain.

“Honestly, this thing has been leaking for nearly a year, we just haven’t gotten around to fixing it” said one NASA spokesperson, who disappointinly did not have a buzz-cut hairdo, three days worth of worry-stubble and a cigar clenched between his teeth.

“I know a lot of you have seen movies where repairs must be done in space and it involves a lot of swirling and last-second decisions and drama… but that’s not what we do here at NASA. First we’re going to find the leak, using math! Would anyone like to see how? You may want to take a seat, the quick description of how we do this is three hours long”.

NASA went on to clear up that on the ISS, there was no reports of:

– A dashing rogue of an astronaut directly disobeying a command from his CO, to head out into the black void to sort this out himself.

– Evidence that the leak was caused on purpose as an act of sabotage by an evil Russian.

– A big display showing how much oxygen was left, as also evident by the beads of perspiration dripping off everyone.

– George Clooney, or any George Clooney types.

– Lasers.

– Welders.

-Laser welders.

Adding further disappointment, the situation does not seem to warrant the arrival from Earth of a rag-tag bunch of quickly-trained roughnecks to solve the problem using American flags and Lynyrd Synyrd tunes.