THE WORLD has breathed a sigh of relief at the news that Dublin based taxi driving immunologist Noel Shields has angrily stated for the umpteenth time this week that their won’t be a second wave, therefore making any expert stating otherwise look utterly foolish, WWN can report.
Despite a resurgence of the disease in various Europeans locations as countries open back up amid a week which has seen 1.5 million new cases worldwide, Shields, who informally holds a self-certified degree in immunology, has declared all talk of a second wave ‘bollocks’.
“Listen to me, I don’t care what the so-called experts say, there won’t be a fucking second wave,” Shields explained, before suggesting an initial lockdown wasn’t even needed in the first place on account of the fact his source of income evaporated overnight.
“D’ya hear me, second wave? Load of old cobblers,” Shields shouted at passersby from his taxi, before urging people to bunch closer together in an act of defiance against eejits who have spent their entire professional careers analysing and researching coronaviruses.
Despite expert testimony given to Dáil committees this week stressing just how fortunate and lucky Ireland was to avoid a catastrophic health emergency and how ill-prepared we remain for a second wave, Shields cautioned against listening to expertise when just believing what you want takes a lot less brain power.
“I don’t even know anyone who’s got it,” Shields added, seemingly having already erased the memory of tuning into his wife’s cousin’s funeral on Zoom in early April.
“Ya have to life your life, even if that means spending the majority of your days on The Journal’s comment section writing ‘there’s no second wave’ in all caps, I want have a so-called ‘virus’ stop me from doing that. Sure it’s not even real, that’s what they’re saying anyway” concluded Shields before refusing a potential customer entry to his car based on the fact they were Asian.