WITH a new report suggesting that 50% of Irish people have increased their consumption of alcohol since the implementation of the Covid-19 lockdown, WWN have employed renowned drinking expert James Michael Phelan to help you through any problems that this increased intoxication may be having on you.
With over 20 years of boss-dodging, breath-hiding hangover experience, there’s nothing James Michael can’t help you with; over to you!
“Being at home all the time means that by the time 5pm rolls around, I’m really ready to start drinking. Before this, I had to drive home from work, have dinner, shower, and change before I got to sit down at the telly with a beer in my hand. How can I avoid the temptation to crack a bottle before the Angelus has even started?” Liam, Carlow.
James Michael Says: “The problem here is that you’re overthinking things, and making a simple situation needlessly complicated. Think about what you’re saying; your commute, your evening meal with your family. These were all roadblocks to the beer, which are now removed. If you were starting to drink at 5pm and you still had a drive on the M50 to worry about, there would be concern. But the commute isn’t there so what exactly is your problem? You’ve got an open goal in front of you, take your shot! This lockdown won’t last forever, and you’ll be back in the office in no time, wishing you’d taken full advantage of this golden, beechwood-aged opportunity”.
“My boss keeps scheduling Zoom meetings for 8.30 in the morning, and I’ve been increasingly hungover at the last few. Should I stop staying up all night drinking and watching TV, so that I can be fresh-faced for my video call?” Sean, Laois.
James Michael Says: “Gasson dear, if I could get away with driving a bus for ten years still half-cut from the night before, I’m certain you can sit still and be presentable for a half an a hour over a video call! Sit back from the screen so they can’t see the bags over your eyes, speak only when absolutely necessary, and just keep agreeing with the boss. That’s what they like, that’s all they want to hear. ‘Good idea chief, I’ll get right on it’ and then mail a friend to ask what the fuck you just agreed to when you wake up properly later in the day. Oh, and pro-tip; fall asleep in our clothes every night. That way you’re fully dressed for work when you wake up!”.
“With no sport on TV and Netflix pretty much depleted after 10 weeks at home, I’m getting pretty bored in the evenings while drinking. Any tips?” Eric, Dundalk.
James Michael Says: “This has been a struggle for me too. All I can say is that you may be forced to find entertainment elsewhere while you’re drinking, such as talking to the family, or watching repeats of Heartbeat. I would also say that the company of a few of the lads really does help. Restrictions allow up to 7 people in your house for drinking purposes, I think. Well, that’s how many have been around mine from time to time and none of us have Coronavirus so far, so you’re game ball there chief. Rip away!”.
Got a drinking query for James Michael? Post it in the comments!