Covid-19 Appointed Housing Minister After Freezing Rents, Evictions & Securing Beds For Homeless


THE FINE GAEL caretaker government has been praised for fast-tracking the Covid-19 pandemic into the position of Minister for Housing, in a grown up move that set aside the usual political infighting and sniping.

Ireland, bizarrely left without a housing minister since 2017, has rewarded Covid-19’s selfless ingenuity and diligent hard work behind the scenes, which has already seen the acute respiratory infection become the catalyst for a rent freeze and a ban on evictions.

“Minister Covid-19 was an obvious choice after it made such quick progress in securing the kind of ease of mind and basic decency craved by many tenants that admittedly we completely ignored,” confirmed one government insider.

“One day we’re saying rent freezes are unconstitutional and the next Covid-19 has strong-armed us into putting one in place. Honestly, we don’t know how it does it, but it is one hell of a negotiator and politician,” conceded the insider.

“Nothing’s impossible for this guy, what’s next? Who knows, actually affordable rents? Getting your landlord to replace the oven that catches fire now and again? Not cramming 16 Brazilian students into the one room? The sky’s the limit!”

Already in line for earning a reputation as Ireland’s most productive minister ever, Covid-19 recently secured 560 beds for homeless people who may need to self-isolate away from cramped and overwhelmed emergency housing services in the coming days and weeks, but Covid-19 admits it is only getting started.

“We’re hearing reports of hundreds of Airbnb properties magically appearing online for long term rent, despite the fact none of these seemed to have registered with us as required under recent Airbnb legislation. Yeah, we’ll be evicting them from the content of their wallets soon,” Minister for Housing Covid-19 said, in a rousing speech.