Johnson Announces Fiancé Pregnant With First Child He Cares About


SEVERAL battle-hardened former war journalists were forced to leave a press conference earlier this morning after falling ill, as Prime Minister Boris Johnson went into excruciating, intimate detail about how he gave his girlfriend Carrie Symonds ‘a gosh darn good knocking up’.

Johnson, 55, and Symonds, 24 years younger than that, had announced their pregnancy over the weekend, and there is a strong belief that the PM may actually give a shit about this ‘new kid’, according to sources in Westminster.

The PM is currently a father of four children that the public know about, with strong suspicions that he ‘has a few more here and there’ that he has never acknowledged or cared about; something that Johnson is eager to rectify with this next one.

“Boris’s strong point isn’t caring about kids, or knowing how many kids he has, or caring about kids he knows he has” said a Downing Street source.

“So he’s taking this next kid as being ‘baby zero’; a new dawn, a fresh start. This will be the kid he poses with in Hello, this will be the kid he doesn’t trample into the ground on the rugby pitch. This kid will be the one he… not loves, that’s too big of a word for Boris. Likes, yes, the one he likes”.

The couple also took the opportunity to announce their upcoming wedding at the time, which will put Johnson on his third marriage which is something that any politician can do without rebuke or scrutiny, regardless of whether or not they’re a man or a woman.