Here’s A Scary Flu Story To Keep Your Anxiety Levels Nice And High


DESPITE being more likely to be killed by a falling piano while walking down the street, WWN has decided to jump on board with the rest of the global media to bring you this highly clickable pandemic story to scare the absolute shit out of your already hyper-clenched arse.

Ignoring the fact that only 9 out of 7.5 billion people have died from what every newspaper is calling ‘the next black death’, the latest rendition of the SARS virus has once again made its way into the limelight, sparking mass erections in newsrooms across the world.

“It’s just great to have something for them to click… I mean worry about,” explained one editor we high fived after checking our own online traffic and newspaper sales, “SARS, Ebola, swine flu, bird flu, whatever it is; we will make sure to put the fear of God into readers during this relative lull in news”.

The evergreen scary flu story, which usually airs with only one or two people being affected and builds from there with the aid of media focused mass hysteria, is expected to play out for the next couple of weeks in the hopes of filling the gap between potential wars, Brexit, weather catastrophes and lame stories about celebrities breaking up or getting back together.

“We usually keep the scary flu stories for a rainy day,” explained a member of the associated press, “this is one of those rainy days and hopefully it will bring us right through now until the next big sellable story”.

Much like its predecessors, the latest virus has already reached the ‘mutation stage’, a phrase destined to bring anxiety levels to an all time high.

“When it hits around 100 deaths we’ll probably ask Geldof to arrange a concert or something if there’s no other news by then,” said another news editor, “let’s hope it doesn’t get that far, for everyone’s sake”.

Meanwhile the normal boring flu continues to kill 646,000 annually.