Revealed: The DUP’s New Year’s Resolutions


IT’S all change in the world of Northern Irish politics, as the DUP have announced that they are willing to get back into talks to restore the NI Executive, having recovered form last year’s horrific under-bus mangling that they suffered during Brexit negotiations.

Having seemingly turned over a new leaf, the DUP released a comprehensive list of their New Year’s resolutions, designed to make up for their part in the collapse of the Northern Assembly in January 2017.

In no particular order:

Arlene Foster has pledged to never again place all her faith in the hands of anyone but herself, having learned harsh lessons from her treatment during the UK General Election. “I don’t need no man”, Arlene was heard to comment. She’s also pledged to cut down on her carbon footprint by replacing her old boiler with a more economical wood pellet stove, if anyone knows where she can get one.

Ian Paisley Jnr stated that he is to stop being such a stain on the memory of his late father, Ian Paisley Snr. Having reviewed footage of his grovelling, tear-filled apology in the House Of Commons after being suspended for ‘financial irregularities’, Paisley Jnr has stated that he will ‘toughen up’ in 2020. “You’d have never seen Daddy apologise for a thing”, stated Paisley Jnr. “Nor would you see him allowing these gays to have abortions either, but that somehow snuck in. 2020 is the year I go full fucking Paisley”.

Sammy Wilson is to help provide clean energy to much of Northern Ireland with his newly designed ‘Sammy Wilson Power Plant’, which he will run by dipping his massive red face into water to generate steam and spin turbines.

Nigel Dodds has stated that he’s going to do what’s best for the people of Northern Ireland, not just for the Unionists. “Sure we’re all Northern Ireland, together as one and all that shite” stated Dodds, while resisting the urge to punch a Taig in the balls.

With a draft of a new power-sharing document set to be published this week, the public are eagerly waiting to see if the DUP can adhere to their resolutions, but remain optimistic that they will after the hilarious results of the last two years.