Boris & Leo’s Phone Call: The Full Transcript

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A TENSE FEW days in the history of Anglo-Irish relations drew to a close with the news that British PM Boris Johnson finally engaged in the most basic facet of diplomacy; the customary call to Britain’s closest neighbour Ireland and its leader Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.

While little has been divulged about the nature of the conversation from either side, WWN has managed to get its hands on a recording of the conversation for which we’ve provided a full transcript below.

Leo Varadkar: (answering the call) Hello? Boris? Congratulations on becoming PM, we here in Ireland are looking forward to a constructive dialogue that can benefit both-

Boris Johnson: (muttering quickly) Pedos say what?

LV: Pardon?

BJ: Aw, tut, you were supposed to say ‘what’.

LV: Huh?

BJ: A joke, you were supposed to say ‘what’. You know, pedos say…

LV: Say…?

BJ: What…oh fuck. You simple Irish aren’t as drunk or stupid as you look.

LV: Em, okay, eh, I don’t mean to presume I know you all that well, but I think we can get off on the right foot here by finding some common ground.

BJ: Of course young Murphy. What is it? De-regulation? Business profits before everything else? Ignoring climate change? Fuck the poor?

LV: God, it’s like you’re reading my mind.

BJ: Oh this is rather promising, Murphy, I don’t know if you’re a film fan? Do you have a favourite?

LV: Love Actually, actually.

BJ: Uh, right, I prefer the gangster movies. I don’t know why, but they just speak to me. Godfather II has this scene where the mafia is cutting up a cake and passing slices out to one another. But the cake is a metaphor, you see, for how they’re carving up the country for themselves.

I did it with my cabinet the other day except we cut up a kipper. You should try it.

LV: Cutting up a kipper?

BJ: No, Murphy, systematically plotting away for years to tank your economy and making the poor pay for it all while personally benefiting financially.

LV: Ah, way ahead of you there Boris, trust me. Is it too soon to say we sound a bit like kindred spirits?

BJ: Have you been on the spirits, Paddy? We clearly have our disagreements.

(someone quietly whispering to Johnson in the background) “Tell him about the Backstop alternative we’ve come up with”

BJ: We were thinking you’d be particularly receptive to an eh, em, Backstop alternative. (An outbreak of sniggering occurs.)

LV: We’d only consider it if it upholds the Good Friday Agreement, but go on…

BJ: What about…(stiffles laughter)what about…a Buttplug agreement, you’d like that, wouldn’t you (laughing continues for some time).

LV: Very mature, reference my sexuality, what next, my ethnicity?

BJ: (whispering to his aide) He’s gay? Did we know that? Wait, and he’s Indian? You mean to tell me we’ve wasted this conversation being civil, mature and polite?

Sorry, Murphy, is it okay if we ring you back later, I’m sure my cabinet and I can really nail a joke about a gay vindaloo if you give us the afternoon.

LV: Boris, can we be serious for one sec-

BJ: No got to go, not-so-casual ignorance and racism doesn’t write itself.

LV: Northern Ireland? The Backstop? An actual plan?

BJ: Fuck them. Fuck that. What the fuck is that?

(Call ends.)

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