SIMON D’ARCY, a self-confessed Shane Lowry mega-fan, has delighted in the Offaly man’s historic achievement of becoming the British Open Champion in stunning fashion.
Perhaps the only thing more commanding than Lowry’s performance at Portrush has been D’Arcy’s attempt to act like he always backed Lowry for big things ever since his days as an amateur.
“Nah man, I said it years ago. Lowry for the majors. People thought I was daft,” explained D’Arcy, who hasn’t actually watched any golf in the last 10 years.
“He has the natural talent ya see,” continued D’Arcy manfully, unable to just let an Irish man winning one of the sporting world’s most illustrious events happen without trying to take some of the glory himself.
“Obviously he made a big step forward with his ‘Abu Dhabi Championship win in January 2019’,” added D’Arcy, not even trying to hide the fact he was reading Lowry’s Wikipedia entry on his phone.
“Just hate these bandwagon fuckers. It’s just weird, let the man have his moment. Why do you have to make it about yourself,” concluded D’Arcy, embarrassing himself further.
Elsewhere, the Nation’s alcohol supply has been rerouted to Offaly in a bid to fuel the inevitable post-Open win session while security personnel have been given ‘shoot to kill’ orders if they see Shane Ross attempting to get within 100 feet of Ireland’s newest major winner.